Yesterday, David received a first-class letter from the IRS. On the front of the envelope was a boxed notice that said, among other things: Do not throw away! Thank God for that! Because, you know, we erudite progressives are so accustomed to living on the edge, we habitually toss communications from the IRS into the trash.
Understanding Your Economic Stimulus Payment, the letter begins. Then, fading to black, it continues: Please keep a copy of this notice for your records. It informs David that he will definitely receive his stimulus payment within four days (P.S., if he does not receive it within six weeks, he should be in touch). See update at end of post for a fab way to make Republicans go ballistic!
Then, under the subhead What You Need To Do (they capitalized the T, and therefore, being an obedient citizen, I do likewise), the paragraph begins: You do not need to do anything.
Booyah! The United States government has spent hundreds of thousands of taxpayer dollars to send out millions of first-class letters to let taxpayers know we will receive our economic stimulus check in four days (actually, in David's case, the check came two days before the letter, but I digress), and we don’t have to do anything. Nothing. Nada.
David weighed his economy stimulating options. Turns out it was an easy choice for him. One of the meds that does a fabulous job mitigating against chemo nausea is not covered by his insurance. It’s very expensive. In fact, his stimulus check will cover just one dose of the medication. And so it is that David’s economic stimulus check will go directly to Big Pharma.
I cannot tell you the joy it brings us to be able to stimulate the moribund economy in this way. No, really. Being the frugal man he is, it’s entirely possible that David would have parked his economic stimulus check in savings. This way, he is doing his part by spending it immediately.
So thank you, George and Dick and all the other geniuses who dreamed up this amazing cash give-away. Give me liberty or give me debt! Oh. That reminds me of an email making the rounds this week. It goes like this:
Economic Stimulus Package 2008
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
UPDATE: Just had a beautiful brain bubble. How 'bout we contribute all (or at least part) of our economic stimuli to Democratic candidates' campaigns?
This'll make the Pugs crazy while doing something immensely worthwhile. Whaddaya think?