Can someone please get me in touch with the Obama people, stat? No, really, I mean it. I have a sure-fire, two-part campaign strategy for Barack.
(1) Barack Obama must pre-emptively denounce everyone, every thing and every place immediately. His wife and his children. His extended family. His friends, colleagues, neighbors. Former friends, former colleagues, former neighbors. Dead people. His teachers, taxi drivers, wait staff, barbers. Democrats, Republicans, Independents, Greens, Grays, Plaids. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Moonies, agnostics, heathens and Wiccans. People of color. People of no color whatsoever (meaning no offense to albino humans, squirrels, goats, and cows). Iraq, Iran, Iceland and the Iberian Peninsula. Mall of America, the Mojave Desert and the Mitchell Corn Palace. Also all alliteration.
Then, in the fullness of time, Obama can un-denounce on a carefully considered, selective basis. He can hold a daily press briefing, announcing the names of those persons, places and things that he no longer, uh, denounces.
(2) Barack Obama must begin each day with a pre-emptive, blanket apology for whatever he, his surrogates or supporters may say, do, think, believe, care about, ignore, hope, buy, barter, charge, consume, excrete, admire or dislike, including Brussels sprouts. He will differentiate himself by being a man of pro-active regret. America deserves no less.
I have generated this worthy plan after reading headlines and accompanying articles about the need for apologies. My friends, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but it is an epidemic. Consider the following links to in-depth journalism:
- "I take my share of responsibility for this error, but the fact that we all so easily believed this about Obama leaves the blame squarely on his doorstep. If he had avoided the appearance of being so guilty, none of us would have so easily believed this."
- Citizens Committee for the Right to Keep and Bear Arms demands immediate apology from Barack Obama
- Limbaugh Demands That Obama Apologize for Telling the Truth
- A twofer wherein Obama is criticized because his campaign spokeswoman criticized Sen. Jay Rockefeller who had already apologized for a slight against Sen. McCain
- Oh Boy, Another Obama Apology?
- McCain Calls on Obama to Apologize for Ayers
- Limbaugh Demands Apology from Obama on Immigration
- Obama Serves Burgers, Should Apologize
These are the paramount issues of the day, my friends. And if for any reason you do not share my passion for alleviating the bloviating about prevaricating, please accept my deepest apology.