This just in!
Mark your calendars. Minnesota has announced it will launch the 2012 presidential campaign season on November 5, 2008. That’s right. The day after this year's national election! This is a coup! It marks Minnesota's first-ever, pre-declaration-of-candidacy caucuses.
It has not yet been decided whether to call the caucuses to order at the stroke of midnight on the 5th, thereby mitigating against a deke by North Dakota. But a Minnesota spokesperson, who declined to be identified for fear of terrible reprisals for leaking this mind-bending news, said that could change.
“We will be watching the Dakotas very closely,” the person said. “They’ve been positioning themselves for years by keeping an extremely low profile, unlike our neighbor to the south. So it would not surprise me to see them mount a pre-emptive-caucus movement. However, I don’t put much stock in the rumor that they’re planning to spring a surprise 2012 caucus convention this coming Fourth of July. That’s just silly.” Of course there's more!
Given the likelihood that no candidates will have declared by November 5, 2008, we are curious about how this might work. So we asked someone from the newly-formed Minnesota Edmund Fitzgerald Party (MEFP). Fearing reprisals for revealing information that could tip off Jesse Ventura, who has threatened to run for president in 2012, the spokes-one agreed to comment only on condition of anonymity.
Speaking through holes cut in an old Piggly Wiggly shopping bag, he/she (wink!) said, “You’re getting way ahead of yourself. See, once the 2008 caucuses have been announced, there’ll be a wild rumpus as candidates scramble to mount a campaign without money, slogans, platforms or attack points to use against the opposition. See, it’s really hard to mount a negative campaign in these circumstances. When they get here, we’ll give them bed sheets and magic markers so they can design some campaign signs. It’ll be fun.”
So what is the point, we wondered out loud.
A Minnesota pol, who threatened legal action if we so much as inkle “their” identity, eyeballed us skeptically and said, “Why does there need to be a point? This is about bragging rights. This is about jerking the chain of every person who’s even thinking about a run for the presidency, forcing them to hop a redeye to run themselves ragged circling our state. Watch them bob and weave their way from Biwabik to Bemidji, down to Kandiyohi County, Lac Qui Parle and Wahtonwan, over to LeSueur and Winona. Hell. Half the fun will be listening to the announcers trying to pronounce those places!”
It’s a nascent initiative, clearly. We’ll get back to you with details as they become available.
From Pig’s Eye Island, this is the Clotheslineblog – your eyes and ears in the amazing world of political one-upspersonship.