Sur-Thrival Guide for a Bad Trip

May 23, 2007 by susan
Bush and Gozales sharing a laugh

Keep on Laughin'

by Perhansa
Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
The Decider-Commander-Type-Guy-in-Chief was at his ranch in Texas where he was fishing at a nearby reservoir. Heading back to the bunkhouse he runs into Alberto Gonzales. Alberto says, “Mr. President, it looks like you’ve been fishing. George says, “Yep.” Alberto says, “I’m sure hungry Mr. President, if I can guess how many fish you got in your fish basket, will you give me half of them?” George chuckles and says; “Alberto, if you can guess how many fish I have in this here basket you can have ‘em both.” Alberto says, “Great! I think there’s four fish in the basket.” George sighs and says, “Sorry friend, you’re off by one.” Alberto says, “I don’t recall having guessed yet Mr. President.” Then George says to Alberto, “I have the utmost confidence in you Alberto and when this gawl-dang-Democrat pole-lit-e-kale thee-ater is over I’m gonna give you a Medal of Freedom–heckuva job old friend!” They walk away smiling, slapping each other on the back. More.

Okay. It’s originally an Ole and Sven joke, but these desperate times call for desperate levity. George still won’t throw Al under the bus. The Dems have given up on putting timetables into the Iraq funding bill. They haven’t given up on getting Karl to testify before the Judiciary Committee; no doubt if he ever does it will be off the record with mint juleps and sweet-potato biscuits, all-holds-barred, no one will ever find the lost emails, and they’ll have some fun laughing about that crazy Sheryl Crow.

In Iraq everyone is going to just have to wait until Gen. Petraeus has to give his “Green” “Yellow” or “Red” assessment of the surge in September. It will be orange (like the Security Threat Level has been ever since the election ended) and we need more time…but there’s some positive signs…you know that song. Immigration reform might happen but so might the Rapture.

I keep finding myself in this mood of “Are we there yet?” as I look forward to the end of a bad trip with the BushCo. When I feel this way I have to try and find something constructive to do to make the time go faster. So I thought I’d start a Survival Guide for the last eighteen months of Operation Bushwacked. But, survival is too passive. I don’t want to just survive the next eighteen months, I want to thrive. So, I’m calling it a Sur-Thrival Guide. I want to do something that is positive and will make me feel like all is not lost. I’m looking for input, so put your thinking hats on and post your ideas. Here are a few of mine.

- Mail a box of compact florescent light bulbs to the White House and the Crawford ranch with instructions on how to install them
- Charge YOURSELF a ten cent gas tax and put it in a fund you can use to buy trees to soak up carbon
- Start a campaign to install an arsenal of giant wind turbines on the White House lawn to generate electricity from all the hot air and empty clichés emanating from the Rose Garden
- Refuse to buy or drive a vehicle that gets less than 35 mile to the gallon
- Send congress a copy of QuickBooks and ask them if they need your help balancing the budget
- Refuse to purchase anything new over the next twelve months except disposable items like food, toilet paper, etc.
- Send the money you would have spent to an international relief organization and then copy your congressional representatives and tell them you’re doing it because the US only donates 17 cents out of every $100 of GDP to international aid and much of that is being squandered in Iraq reconstruction
- Write a letter to anyone in the US in the top 5% income bracket and ask them to donate the money they receive from Bush’s tax cuts to international aid; do the same to a CEO of a large corporation
- Go to faith-based-funded-abstinence-only clinics and hand out condoms, literature on practicing safe sex, and on vaccinating young women against the Human Papilloma Virus
- Work on creative ideas for bumper stickers for 2008 (e.g., “Evolution Confirmed: Republicans–the missing link!” and “Republican Values: Cheat, Steal, & Lie”)
- Buy a Dixie Chicks album and call radio stations and ask them to play, “I’m Not Ready to Make Nice”
- Walk more, drive less, and boycott McDonalds
- Dump the gas powered lawn tools and mow, rake, and trim by human power
- Host a gay pride rally outside the home of Michelle Bachmann
- Start preparing your explanation to your grand children about why/how we ruined the environment, social security, and the economy
- Start a notebook of facts, lies, inconsistencies, heresies, and general malfeasance committed by the neo-con-right-wing-conservatives in the past 6 years to bolster your debate skills for the 2008 campaign—be prepared to swallow Republican apologists whole
- Come up with better alternatives to the Ten Commandments and demand that THEY be posted in all US courthouses and schoolhouses
- Support a constitutional amendment to deny flu shots to people who promote Intelligent Design
- Support the troops in any practical way you can: food, letters, protests, etc.

And lastly, find your sense of humor and send me more ideas!

Posted in


John Smith (not verified) | May 23, 2007 - 11:05am

Try to remember your daily medication.

It cannot be easy for you to get up in the morning.


susan | May 23, 2007 - 12:58pm

"It cannot be easy for you to get up in the morning."

Man o man, hit the nail on the head Captain John Smith. I don't know about Perhansa, but it sure isn't easy for me. But as I've said here before, I suffer from Chronic Bush Fatigue -- the spring is gone from my gait, the lilt gone from my voice. I can't shake the feeling that something has gone terribly wrong with my country, that we're mired in an unwinnable war, that our government is in the hands of incompetents and crooks, that we've lost our moral compass and replaced it with envy and greed, that the earth is warming and over-crowded, and fanaticism and fundamentalism have replaced reason and science all over the globe. For starters.
Nope, only thing making me toss back the covers is the smell of rich dark coffee, brewed by my loving sweetie. My meds -- coffee in the a.m., some gin in the p.m. -- aren't all that hard to remember.
But at first I thought you said we should remember our daily meditation, and on that one I couldn't agree more.


John Smith (not verified) | May 23, 2007 - 2:51pm

"that we've lost our moral compass "

Some were never in possesion of one. "If the shoe fits" they always say.

Gunney John

Thanks for the promotion though.


Poet (not verified) | May 23, 2007 - 4:16pm

I see where Shrub went to give a commencement address at the Coast Guard Acadamy--I don't guess they are allowed to refuse the offer. Well now Monica (not that one--the Christo-Fascist from Regent Law School and Used Car Sales LLC) got the chance to contradict some more of our stellar law-enforcement and White House types for the lying you know whats that they are.

My only trouble with replacing 'berto is that (as I recall) he is the one who replaced John Ashcroft--what vaudeville central casting outfit finds these cockroaches for Shrub's cabinet?--and I shudder to think of what sort of low functioning pin-head will next become Attorney General. Maybe we won't have long to wait. Send in the clowns!

I look forward to seeing Monica's testimpony properly disected by Amy Goodman on Democracy Now tomorrow.


paul Miller (not verified) | May 24, 2007 - 8:45am

Keith Elison grilled Ms. Goodling (in his 5 minutes) and obviously has information about Kiffmeyer contacting Goodling related to Rachel Paulose. Goodling was very shakey because she is not the seasoned liar that Abu, Rummy, Condi et al are when they face congress.

Keith Olberman's best rant ever is available at Crooks and Liars - he goes after the chickenshit dems big time and of course calls Bush what he is.


susan | May 24, 2007 - 11:03am

I didn't see Goodling live, and didn't know of the Kiffmeyer connection. Got a clip? More info?


PAUL Miller (not verified) | May 24, 2007 - 5:29pm

I listened on CSpan yesterday and Keith definately brought up Kiffmeyer and also Native American voting issues.

Nice press conference by Bush today, I love how he lectures the press like he's taling to third graders, he was a twangin


susan | May 24, 2007 - 10:59pm

I only heard him on radio, tellin' Iran to stop improving their nuke-u-lear weapons program, gonna be more sank-shuns.