BREAKING NEWS: This just in!

March 15, 2007 by barbara

by barbara

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, an aide to Osama bin Laden and purported mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has admitted his guilt! Mohammed insisted that his confession was not the result of torture and all loyal and patriotic Americans believe this!

It is purely coincidental that this confession comes amidst a tidal wave of Bush administration scandals. Accused of timing Mohammed's confession to divert attention from Bush-related atrocities, White House spokesman Tony Snowjob rolled his eyes and muttered, "Liberal bias, liberal bias!" More!

After three years in CIA custody, followed by a little R&R at Guantanamo Bay, Mohammed confessed to planning 9/11 and also to bombing plots in New York City and London, beheading journalist Daniel Pearl, assassination attempts on Presidents Carter and Clinton as well as Pope John Paul II. In addition, he confessed to his complicity in the following:

' Hiding Saddam's WMDs under the carpet beneath the Oval Office coffee table.
' Outing Valerie Plame.
' Orchestrating VA Hospital cover-ups.
' Fathering Anna Nicole Smith's child.
' The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand and JFK.
' The death of Alexander Litvinenko.
' The Anna Kournikova Virus.
' The disappearance of Judge Crater, Jimmy Hoffa and Waldo.
' Stealing little Johnny Anderson's crayons.

Dude, that's an impressive resume.

As he left the hearing, Mohammed was overheard saying, "I love big brother."

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Comments

susan | March 15, 2007 - 10:46am

But wait, it's lent, ergo almost Easter. Didn't he have any thing to do with -- all of that? Oh, wait. Here's Khalid live. He's says he's sorry that mistakes were made, but he's not stepping down, adding that he serves (his purpose) at the pleasure of the President.

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Lynnellmickelsen (not verified) | March 16, 2007 - 10:32am

He also confessed to the designing the Ford Pinto and having a role in the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction.

Thank God we're fighting them over where so fewer of them can fight us over here.

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