All right. Listen up. I'm taking a break today from the things that make us go ballistic. So, no brilliant analyses of Bush, Rove, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Coulter, Lieberman, Iran, Iraq, Israel, Iceland, Mel Gibson, FOX News, JonBenet Ramsey, the NSA, IRA, CIA, EIEIO, bin Laden or Paris Hilton.
No, today we're going to take a look at eyebrows. Yes, I am absolutely serious.
I ran across a stunning piece in the New York Times this week. Hairy eyebrows are in, while plucked parentheses are so yesterday. Thus saith Pat McGrath, who is a makeup artist for Max Factor and Cover Girl, and also creative director for Procter & Gamble's beauty division. Turns out my personal beauty division is my nose, which separates my thin, smooth, pale brows that hover over my nondescript eyes.
But let's not just take McGrath's word for it. According to the Times, eyebrow stylist (who knew?) Robyn Cosio, who works in both Beverly Hills and Manhattan, says, "On both coasts, everybody wants a thicker brow that reminds you of Elizabeth Taylor and Ava Gardner." This amazes me. How many women even know who Taylor and Gardner are, never mind details about the abundance of their brow hair. Cosio goes on to say, "People love that I leave the two bottom layers of undergrowth and don't take out so much in between the brows so that they can stick up and look feathered."
For all of my adult life, I have been plucking away those feathers, fighting incipient unibrow. Now I am told I must rethink my wild hairs. Oh. My. Dog. Where will this end? I absolutely refuse to grow a goatee, though I probably could.
French Vogue is recommending "a dense and proud" brow. Makeup artist James Kaliardos says, "With a stronger, more graphic quality to the clothes like the fall collection from Balenciaga, you want strong eyebrows that make you look intelligent and empowered and you want to keep the rest of the face clean." Okay. Bushy eyebrows in, moustaches out.
As noted by McGrath, "Giving yourself beautiful eyebrows is not one of the easiest things to do." Well, there's another thing to keep me awake at night. But wait! Apparently some salons are offering eyebrow extensions that last for as long as two weeks, and also "eyebrow prosthetics" for women who have skinny brows.
Kaliardos extends a word of caution. "The slightest amount that you do to your eyebrows makes a big statement. If you are not careful, you will end up looking like Groucho Marx."
Well, this whole thing has me in a swivet. I dare not gaze upon my skimpy arches for fear I will see how truly unintelligent and unempowered I look. And really, when you think about it, many of the most illustrious and powerful individuals sported bountiful brows. Josef Stalin. Michael Dukakis. Brooke Shields. John L. Lewis. Joan Crawford. Rin Tin Tin.
Okay. I'm through now. I need to find my tweezers and make a decision about them. It. Whatever.
Have a good day.